Our life is different. It consists of bright and dark days. Unfortunately, we may be deceived, we may be abandoned and we may be burdened with commitments we are not prepared for. There’s always a fear deep in our hearts. It interferes with us and depends on our inner confidence.
We should remember some useful points:
- Every relationship has its fears. We expect understanding, love and care. And we’re also afraid of not getting what we want.
- It is important to notice the recurring errors in relations and to understand their cause.
- We need to build trust and get rid of the fear of a couple, because we’re making a connection together, and learn how to take a proactive approach in relations.
Some people have a relationship on tiptoe or always live under the yoke of jealousy. The others hardly breathe not to frighten the lover away. There are a lot of situations which show us what we should do to overcome such unpleasant feelings, but not everyone can deal with its fear alone. There are strong fears that envelope us like water or fire, and there are some that we can hardly notice. But they’re always here and inseparable from love. Most of all, our fears show how important our relationship is, because we need to be closer with meaningful people. Sometimes we wait for better relations, more unexpected surprises, and even significant words which we haven’t got ever. Such expectations run our life and sometimes lead to bad consequences, because our goals only waste our time and damage the nervous system.
To tell the truth, we enter into a love affair with a set of expectations, fantasies and hopes aimed at the partner. But these are only our wishes. We look forward to acceptance and understanding, intimacy and appreciation, love and care. It is important for us to reaffirm our value and uniqueness in the eyes of those who we consider to be our loved ones. And to the same extent, we fear not to get what we desire. Something unusual makes us be afraid of creating new relations and love person, because once we got an awful experience and think that it will continue till the end of our life. Therefore, fear of rejection or abandonment, unnecessary or insignificant, unloved or controlled, not be compatible with the expectations of the partner or being a loser in his eyes always goes hand in hand with our aspirations.
To handle with fear we should follow some useful tips:
- Take the risk. What does it mean? Many young people are afraid of getting hurt by the wrong choice of partner. Mature people have got other fears. They are afraid of being alone, a subject to manipulation, domination, treason. We forget that love is always risk, because it contains the possibility of loss. Nobody knows what will be at the end of our relations, love and life in general. We have to accept it to be able to love. We all have many chances which we should use in our lives. Everything is in our head and hands, which always help us to choose better way of achieving our goals. There is no doubt that this tip can positively influence on your thoughts and fear will change on another feeling. More and more relations are not develop because of some reasons: people do not open to each other, they are afraid of betrayal and refuse to love due to the fear that it will not last forever.
- Hang back in your childhood. For someone it will be a pleasant journey with motivating results, but there will be people who remember not bright and interesting moments. Some our problems are from the childhood. And it is not a secret for everybody. We meet many fears since that time when we were young and had no experience to live another happy life. Relations with parents, classmates, teachers and people who surround us in that period of time will stay in our thoughts forever. We should remember that a relationship of love can rightfully be called an adult attachment to which a person aspires all his life. How successful our search will be depends on the history of adult relationships, but first of all, on the early experience with a mother. The child’s ability to feel safe in moments of loneliness determines how he or she will be love in future. Without that security, the fear of loneliness will have a relationship with another person based on need rather than desire.
- Make out repetitive actions. We’re always going back to childish experiences when we have unsafe attachment. Yet the fear of attachment is rarely fully understood. We respond to the danger of rejection with defensive feelings, such as shame, anger or resentment directed at the partner. The usual mechanism gives a sense of predictability, albeit painful. Hence we have the repeated cycles of mutual incomprehension in pairs. There are many real examples of people with fear of rejection because of family’s troubles. Every situation has its own visible and hidden elements. It is in what is hidden that unresolved attachment issues will again be played out. The need to pay attention to how we were loved, to notice what repeats in our affective present.
- Become a leader for yourself. When we recognize fear, we have the ability to resist it. Even though we have no plan and no list of rules to find out the better side of dissolving, we know what we’re dealing with. Awareness is the grain of sand that can jam the gears of a machine repeating negative scenarios. Appear some useful questions for us, which help us to understand many different fear circumstances. There are some of them: What kind of partner am I looking for, what kind of partner am I running away? What often repeats? Excessive jealousy, emotional or sexual addiction, breaks on my initiative or on the initiative of the partner? These questions need from us to be a leader and solve them in any comfortable way. It is useful to identify what we lack and what we need without shame or guilt in admitting these needs – first of all, for ourselves, and then, probably, the partner. Some hesitate to share their fears. And that is what we really have to do – tell about our fears, just to free ourselves from the burden on our soul. This is the right choice for our successful future in new relations. If we dare to speak out when we understand that we have confidence in a partner, it strengthens a sense of intimacy and therefore of security.
- Build the connection together. It is an important thing, to which we should give more attention. Unfortunately, not everyone understands it. We can change attachment styles and build trust in a couple, if we really want to do this. Our wishes should correspond to our actions. Most of us are in a position to understand our emotional responses and act with deliberation. We learn to understand ourselves and the other person, to empathize with the fact that we may have different points of view, try to accept differences. We learn to help each other not only by doing, but also by empathy - that means we understand the emotional state of partner. We should remember the main rule - any relationship is a hard bilateral process, so we need always to work on it, improve and develop. Only sincere actions can lead to progress and create strong relationship. By changing the attitude towards the partner to a more open and sincere one, we are changing ourselves. As a result, a partner becomes for us a living person with his virtues and his weaknesses, but not an omnipotent parent figure which is always a subject of claim. Sometimes we do it in an existing couple. But sometimes we go a long way before we find someone who’s really right for us. To remember that we are connecting together, and to learn how to be proactive are the most faithful of the means available to get rid of fear.
Rejection of fear – why is it useful for us
Rejection can teach you many things. What are you doing wrong? There may be many reasons, but it’s not that important, because you need to know not the reasons, but the solution of the problem. The solution to a problem that grows out of your fear of rejection is rooted in your thinking. Your regular negative thoughts cause problems in your life. You shouldn’t be afraid to lose and, especially, to get rejected by women or men. There’s actually a lot of good stuff about rejection. You do not believe, do you? Rejection can teach. And these are good lessons which can help you not to waste your time in future and do your best in any relations. Why is rejection always unpleasant? Have you ever thought about it? Because people understand it as a spitting in their own direction. But look at the rejection from the other side. Instead of looking at the mirror of your own value in context relations, try to see any useful feedback in it that teaches you to be better. Be grateful they rejected you because the girl or the boy showed you your weaknesses, so you can correct them. If you open your eyes a little more, you’ll find a workable way to get to know each other better. Of course, it will require you to scrutinize the failure, but it’s important for your future development. Strong relations are in your hand, and you should not pay attention on your fear. Just do it! Making mistakes, but choosing the better methods you haven’t used them before. When someone rejects you and your feelings, just be thankful for the great opportunity to prevent time lost, because that means you’re gonna tie your life to a more appropriate person. Think about it and never be afraid of.